


The Darkness in Time

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Gen, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-20
Updated: 2003-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-07 04:11:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10351989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: Season: Pre-Stargate the movieSeries: Thoughts in the Darkness SeriesSummary: Frank Cromwell contemplates his feelings after Jack returns home from Iraq.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Stargate SG-1 | Gen Fanfiction | The Darkness in Time

~***~***~***~

Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,

Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness;

So on the ocean of life we pass and speak one another,

Only a look and a voice; then darkness again and silence.

Longfellow: The Theologian’s Tale: Elizabeth, IV

 

It’s almost dawn. So why the hell is it so black in here? I can see hazy gray through a crack in the blinds, but it’s not making a dent in the darkness surrounding me. Nothing seems to make a dent in that darkness. Not anymore.

Liz is sleeping. She’s curled up as far away from me as she can get. Not that I blame her. Shit, I’d escape from myself too, if I could. But it isn’t going to happen. I’d sell my soul to be able to flee this darkness that’s eating me alive, just leave it behind. Because I’d sell my soul not to have left Jack behind. But 

like I said, it isn’t going to happen. Nope, no absolution for me. Some sins you pay for the rest of your life.

The darkness is here to stay. And the impact of the darkness is drowning me. And the funny thing is I’m not even trying to keep my head above water. I just want to go down for the third time and sink to the bottom. Maybe then when I'm fodder for the fishes there will be some escape, some way out of this sea of guilt I’m floating in.

I always thought of myself as a fighter. The never say die, kind of soldier, who refused to quit. The kind who never knew when he was defeated. It’s one of the reasons I joined Special Forces. But this time I can’t fight. The white flag is raised and I’ve surrendered. The enemy has won, and when I look in a mirror I see an enemy who is wearing my face. And if I shatter the mirror, the enemy is still here. There is no escape when you are your own enemy. My guilt is so evident no jury would acquit. And I am unable to throw myself on the mercy of the court, because all mercy was beaten to death by the Iraqis. No mercy, no forgiveness. None from Jack, none from me. Dammit, if I shatter the mirror will I receive a sentence of seven years bad luck, instead of the life sentence the jury has handed down?

I should have known, dammit to Hell, I should have known. Jack and I, we are … we were … closer than brothers. It was a once in a lifetime thing between us. We each knew, before the words were out of our mouths, what the other was thinking. Words weren’t necessary, which was good because neither one of us is big in the talking department. It used to spook me at first, how Jack knew me so well, but I got used to it and now that it's gone I feel like I'm missing my right arm. There isn't much Jack and I haven't shared over the years. Now we can share the hatred for what I‘ve done.

I feel like my best friend is actually dead. Feel like I did when I stood in the chopper door and saw him laying there, bleeding into the sand. Feel like I did when I watched his body grow smaller as we flew away to safety. I thought he was dead, but I was wrong! I should have known. I should never have 

left him there. Even if it was a dead body I brought home to Sara, anything

would be better than what I did. At least then I could have lived with myself knowing that I'd done all I could.

There’s no way to make this right. I just have to accept that the darkness is here to stay. Like the scars on Jack’s body.

It’s all a part of me now, part of who I am. The knowledge of what was done to my best friend because of my decision, the gnawing guilt, the inability to forgive myself, have all scarred me, too. Maybe Jack’s scars will fade with time, maybe the darkness will as well. They say time heals all wounds, but I don’t believe it. Not this time. This time there will be no forgiveness. Because even if Jack 

were able to forgive me, I’ll never be able to forgive myself. 

 

~***~fin~***~

  


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> Author’s Notes: Happy Birthday, Flora. This one’s for you. Thanks just doesn't express how much I appreciate Karen for her willingness to beta for me. As always, feedback is appreciated. 

* * *

> © March 2003 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp.  
> The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters  
> who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names,   
> titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.   
> 

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